From women to women: a guide to the Holy Grail of orgasms
Female sexuality is primarily mental. As I put it bluntly with David Shade ‘The Renegade Sex Expert’: “a woman’s orgasm begins between her ears” and that “foreplay can be anything and everything that happens to her throughout the day” (ie , long before I enter the bedroom). This is also the key to why many of us women find it difficult to overcome our inhibitions, let go and enjoy the deep and satisfying pleasure of a vaginal orgasm. [My other comment: A vaginal orgasm is longer, deeper, more emotionally satisfying than the intense ‘release or spike’ of a clitoral orgasm].
Many of us women believe that only the ‘lucky ones’ achieve that ‘holy grail’ of female sexual pleasure, the vaginal orgasm; in fact, evidently, according to David’s research, only 30-40% of women experience them in their lifetime. No! Every healthy woman is capable of soul-satisfying orgasms and vaginal orgasms are her birthright!
Compensation: what is needed is to learn to connect the pleasure centers of the vagina with those of the brain; letting go and losing yourself in the moment and releasing your inhibitions and self-sabotaging behaviors; to let yourself feel a deep pleasure.
Here are some of the best tips for achieving a vaginal orgasm:
For a woman (personal or partner pleasure):
- Drop the damn vibrator! (Or, at least, take out the batteries.) David says that “vibrators make women dependent on clitoral stimulation and orgasms. That’s not what you’re looking for. Use a ‘realistic’ substitute and let your imagination run wild.” Women’s imagination or fantasies and emotions are a key ingredient in releasing emotions.
- Practice the emotion you would feel with a partner and / or allow yourself to fantasize about each and every aspect of pleasure: letting go is both a mental and a physical exercise.
- Be oriented to pleasure, not goals or time. Give yourself time and live the moment, every moment, with yourself or with your partner.
For the man who is guiding you to your pleasure:
- Keep your goal a secret. Nothing will cause your performance anxiety faster than telling a woman that your goal is a vaginal orgasm (in the sense that very few women believe they are capable of it!).
- Understand that your pleasure has to come from her pleasure.
- Keep her involved in the journey and let her know that you are enjoying it and that you really want her and her pleasure.
- Don’t be frustrated if she cuts you short at first and won’t let you continue to please her. Many (if not most women) fall prey to self-sabotaging thoughts of ‘it’s taking too long’ or ‘I just can’t get there …’ or ‘You must be frustrated or tired, we need to stop … ‘.
- Take advantage of each and every opportunity to learn, to gather intelligence for the next time you are together, so that you can try once again to sweep it away. Progress is good no matter how incremental.
The anatomy of it all:
- For a woman who has never experienced a vaginal orgasm and who has a ready and willing partner, David Shade recommends using the middle finger first instead of the penis, because it allows for significantly greater flexibility and movement.
- The goal is to stimulate the “anterior fornix” of the vagina, which is a 3½ to 4-inch “deep point” within the front wall of the vagina. This is the easiest way to get a woman to her first vaginal orgasm. Note: the deep point is different from the famous G-point.
- Once a woman has experienced her first vaginal orgasm, she should be able to recognize and repeat the sensation much more easily, in a way that is “trained” to achieve vaginal orgasm over and over again.
Don’t get me wrong, there is obviously absolutely nothing wrong with a clitoral orgasm, which is quicker, more ‘shallow’ and gets the job done – we should all have them! However, a vaginal orgasm is an opportunity to experience a level of deep emotion and power that is extremely rewarding. It is an opportunity to release inhibitions and enjoy your sexuality to a higher level, releasing all your feminine power!